I'm really into asian looking animals
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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