Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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