I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
