$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
