Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
