thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
