Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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