i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
