matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
