there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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