i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
