She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
