my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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