if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
