we're chasing vodka with high fives
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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