it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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