so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
