So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
