He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
