seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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