I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
