The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
