mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Congratulations! We have a period
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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