we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
