i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think your dad took our porno
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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