She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
