if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
