i need an iv and a liver transplant
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
