I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
