Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
