Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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