I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
