i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
