I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Life without a bra equals bliss.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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