I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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