you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
