Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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