What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can you bring me the toilet please
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
