so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
