Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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