A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
