if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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