Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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