Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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