Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
