I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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