I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
