the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
