i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
