i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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