Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
