I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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