there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Randomize
