The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
