I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
